Ruby has 2 Grandpas and Why I am Writing

Having lesbian or gay parents seems not so unusual these days, no big deal, right?! In fact, in some spots across the country, I betcha it's even a little hip and something to be proud of - like in NYC or SF where from birth many Heathers have 2 mommies and many Joshuas have 2 daddies.

Thanks to the work of intrepid folks like Charlotte Patterson, Ph.D., the quality of love and family relationships, not sexual orientation seem to matter most for children of gays and lesbians (see Children of Lesbian and Gay Parents,” in the October 2006 issue of Current Directions in Psychological Science). These kids are just as well adjusted as the offspring of their hetero counterparts.

But what if your parent is CONFUSED. Who examines these blurry situations that can't be neatly characterized by are you...yes or no? The person who wants to remain married, loves their spouse, and still wants, needs a same sex connection, but ISN'T gay or lesbian, has tried psychoanalysis or Christian-Based Reparative Therapy Programs, is hunkering down, hiding, and waiting for the "right time" to come out as bisexual (According to Freud, aren't we all?)

How does your mom explain your dad's absence at dinner or when he doesn't come home because he stops off at his favorite cruising spot, a parking lot in Queens, or Emeryville, close to several major freeways on the way back to Westchester or Marin. What is it like to grow up in a family like that?

What happens when your parent comes out of the closet (like former Governor Jim McGreevy or Reverend Ted Haggard) or goes back in the closet (Senator Larry "I have a wide stance" Craig)? This blog is for our parents and mainly for kids like us, the offspring of the so called "Brokeback Marriage", the young and the old.

This is my story too. When I was 38 years old and in the middle of my training as a child clinical psychologist in Boston, my dad, at age 69, on a business trip, sort of came out at a dinner we were sharing in the restaurant of the Omni Parker House.

"Something I gotta tell ya. [Long pause.] I am bisexual", he said. It, he, the secret came out after a lifetime in the closet, 50 years since he started psychoanalysis to dampen his "terrible " urges, 20 years after his father, my grandpa told him "your whole life is a joke" from his death bed, 30 some years of marriage, 3 kids, 3 grandkids, and 10 years after my mother's death.

I would like to share my family's stories with you, if you are interested. And I want to hear your stories too. That's why I am writing. For me, for you, for all families with untold, and semi-told secrets of all kinds, for my niece Ruby who has 2 grandpas.